I can openly admit, I’m jealous of all of the things cancer has taken from me. I often wonder if other people in my situation feel the same way.
I was scrolling through facebook earlier, and saw a post from the young couple who bought our first home from us last summer. I had just been diagnosed with brain cancer when we decided to put the house on the market. Steven and I had decided that I’d need a newer, updated house with a fenced in yard for our 75 pound dog while undergoing chemotherapy since Steven frequently travels for work.
Our town is a seller’s market, where houses receive multiple offers. We received a letter from a young couple that they submitted with their offer, telling us how much they loved our house and couldn’t wait to start a family in it. The letter actually upset me, because that’s exactly what Steven and I had wanted. We bought that home with starting a family in mind, and had written a similar letter to the previous owners when we bought it. Now, our lives had been turned upside down and we knew that would never happen in our first home.
Anyway, this young couple announced today via facebook that they are expecting their first baby. I’m not sure why, but I immediately felt jealous. That had been our house, that had been our plan, and now they were living there decorating their nursery (bet it’s the back bedroom, which is perfect for a nursery) while I’m battling terminal brain cancer. It’s not this young couple’s fault – so why do I feel such jealousy towards them? Has my cancer diagnosis made me that spiteful? Am I just trying to blame anyone I can for what’s happened to my life?
And it’s not just young couples starting families that I’m jealous of. I’m jealous of people my age who are excelling in their careers while I can’t even work. I was always very career-oriented before all of this started.
I’m jealous of people whose biggest problems in life are that their cars aren’t working, or that they had a falling out with a best friend. Sure, those are problems and it might seem like the end of the world, but you can move on from those problems. You can’t move on from terminal cancer.
I just lost my aunt to ovarian cancer last week. Another loss to cancer. I was very close to her, and miss her so much. She was the kindest, most unselfish person I knew, and I wish I had asked her about her thoughts on this. I don’t think she was jealous of anyone. I think she was happy with the life she had, and loved her friends and family. I need to learn how to be more like her, and care less about the things I can never have. I hate feeling jealous of others, because it’s not their fault I have this cancer diagnosis. But I can’t shake this jealousy. Does anyone else feel the same way?
Thanks for reading/letting me vent.